I never have any idea of what to write. I feel like I clould come up with something good and i
do have snippits of stories but when i think about actually sitting down and writitng or trying
to organize some sort of plot i get overwhelmed and my brain becomes a void thats never had a
semblance of a creative idea. I do not know if thismeans im always getting in my own way or if i
am just untalented, but either way it is endlessly frustrating and fuels my self hatred. I hate
myself I hate myself I hate myself. I. I. I.
If I was able to write something other than I
statements perhaps I wouldnt be constantly depressed and suicidal.
Today, I read (listened to) The Metamorphosis. It was… boring. I feel like The Metamorphosis is one of those books that mentally ill people have on their reading list but never get to because if they really did read it, it wouldn’t have the "dark" and "upsetting" vibes it does. In reality, I thought this book was a boring failure of a metaphor for depression. The book tries to express depression as turning into an insect—the protagonist can't do anything, can't go to work, can't take care of himself, can't speak to others, etc., etc. The protagonist is depressed and forced to crawl helplessly around his room, spiraling into madness. The issue with the "depression as a bug" metaphor is that, in reality, depression is not a physical illness. It's not a deformity. It's not a bug. Depression is easily ignored by others and even by the self. It’s something that cannot be confirmed until the depressed person takes some drastic action, like suicide. In The Metamorphosis’ attempt to showcase depression as something absurd, it turns it into a concrete issue. By representing depression as something tangible, the story misses the terror of not knowing what’s wrong with you—why you feel like life is a never-ending cycle of misery you are too cowardly to escape, why no one seems able to pull you out of your own self-hatred, etc., etc.